catharsis--feeling small and powerful

wow. i've never gotten so many comments on a blog. I figured i had better write a follow up as a kind of disclaimer and apology. but actually, I'm not interested in either apologizing or disclaiming. the truth of the matter is that my feelings of inadequacy and social failure have been trying to burst out of me in one form or another for too long. in this particular case, they exploded into a rant about something not really connected with my feelings of inadequacy. and i always feel bad feeding more negativity into the airwaves, but i needed a shoulder to cry on.

i use to be so cold except to certain people. i use to be so much more judgmental than i am now. i use to throw my opinions around as if they were solid truths. i am being too hard on the old me, but the fact is i used to be a lot of things before i went to Brazil and learned that all of that was just useless pride. I learned that you can make your mark by loving people, that you "let your light so shine" by serving people and letting them glorify God through you. I learned that it isn't about me being glorified; that's the wrong motive. it's about being kind to people so they can know God a little better through me. i learned to cry on my mission--not just for me but for others. i learned about what we take with us: meaningful relationships. i learned about sacrifice and inconvenience and discipline...even my arsenal of words cannot contain the things I learned.

And what are words anyway? symbols. eloquence, a weapon.

I came home so idealistic. i came home feeling like i could never be disappointed by anything again. i felt so empowered. and what's more, i wanted so badly to try out the new me with others in a none mission setting. i wanted to be open and kind and more tactful and less self-centered and all the things i didn't recognize in the old me.

imagine my disappointment, now, when it doesn't seem to make any difference. i feel like no matter what i do, i will always scare people away some way or another in spite of all the ways i've tried to change. i know this isn't true, but this is precisely what i've been feeling for weeks and weeks on end now, like nothing is good enough.

now, lest it be thought that i am looking for soothing reassurance that none of this is true, i'm not. Shortly after writing the diatribe below, i had a healthy conversation with one of my roommates in which I was able to diagnose the real root of my insecurity. i'm not going to go into it here, but i realized that after having suffered what was, in my opinion, a pretty hardcore rejection some time ago, i was subconsciously interpreting everything as a type of rejection, and my pride was being bruised once more. it was like every time i didn't get asked out or something it was a slap in the face.

not anymore. Let's just say that now, days later, i feel i have put things in their proper perspective and i don't feel the same way anymore. i have turned my focus to other things. i avails me nothing to worry about what i have no control over. i know i am doing my best, and that is all that matters. as for the rest? i trust it will work itself out in time. i feel that assurance. and i need not feel plagued by the fear of rejection any longer. i've never felt so small in my life--and yet...now that i've put things in their proper perspective, i'm starting to regain my power.

thank you for all your comments. they were both enjoyable and enlightening and in one case (john) just dumb. but that's okay, too. sometimes stupidity can be so cathartic.