New Job

Big news around here: I went full-time at work! The transition has not been as difficult as I thought. I just had to change my expectations about how much I was going to work. Also, that first paycheck was sooooo nice. I can't help but see the perfection in the timing of this job. We would have made it with a baby--somehow--on my other income, and with student loans, but we both now feel much more financially secure. We can now begin to extract ourselves from our other, smaller debt obligations (credit card, my student loans, cars, etc.) and begin to save again. We, of course, still have T's massive student loan, but that can't be helped right now. We'll deal with that when we have to.

Also...I did not know how much I would value working at the professional level for the thing I went to school to do. While my duties have not changed too much, there is an intangible change of "authority," I guess you could call it. I have professional license to make decisions I was not totally entitled to make before. It is so empowering. Even something as simple as exchanging my limited set of keys for one key that basically gives me the run of the building. I don't have to run and get someone higher up every time I want to open a door now. I can do it myself. I love it.

T and I have all but settled on a name for the baby, but we aren't sharing until he is born. In the meantime, we affectionately refer to him as "Coconut."

Coconut Stats:

Gestation: 26 weeks (5.5 months)
Size: approx. 1 2/3 pounds, 14 inches long.
Total weight gain: 15 lbs. (Between one dr.'s visit to the next, I gained six!)
Movement: Continual. Sometimes he is very quiet. Sometimes he delights in kicking me in awkward places. So much weird.
Sleep: It's happening with the aid of a Snoogle Mini pillow.
Cravings: Food.
Aversions: Hunger. Also, really high sodium foods--not because I don't want to eat them but because they make me feel bloated.
Pregnancy "symptoms": Lower back ache that comes and goes, but I know how to manage it. Increased appetite. Round ligament pain on the top of the bump. All that stretching hurts sometimes. Very occasional heartburn.

Another Tiny Boy: Canine Edition

Meet Wheatley. We've been talking about getting a second dog for a little while now. For a long time, we shuddered even considering it. Blackbeard was enough work. Then, it started to occur to us that a huge part of the work of taking care of Blackbeard was just...paying attention to him. Then we started to talk to people with more than one dog and 100% of them said it was worth it. Why? Because, believe it or not, they pay attention to each other. The clincher was when we set up a camera to see what Blackbeard did when we left him alone. Poor little guy didn't get into any mischief--he is the prince of polite house dogs--but he just howled and howled, like he was calling us back. 

That was it. We had to look into getting a buddy for him. So we went to the shelter and found Wheatley. He was tiny and shy, but you could tell he liked us right away and had a spark of playfulness to him.

It's taken a couple weeks for everyone to adjust, but the two dogs have really started playing together now. Wheatley, who is still a puppy at 9 months, is always the instigator.

Dat nose

Immediately after I posted my last post, everything started happening. First of all, I started feeling the baby. Let me go on record here and just say weird. But in a "thank heaven my baby is alive," way. Of course.

Objectively, it is strange. But subjectively, it is beautiful. I love feeling the little flutters and bumps. And I will certainly not forget the smile of T's face when he felt the baby for the first time. I think it was the point at which the pregnancy really hit home for him.

So that happened. (And it's happening right now.) And then this happened.

This is our son. And he already looks like T. I know ultrasound pictures are ghostly and abstract, but I confess I am completely bewitched by this tiny, adorable profile. This is at 18 weeks 2 days.

What else happened... Went to Disneyland. Went on several "forbidden" rides with no dire consequences whatsoever. Baby enjoyed the new cars land ride, the Hollywood Tower of Terror and Grizzly River Rapids without so much as a squeak, so you can suck it, Disneyland!*

Stats:

Gestation: 19 weeks (Whaaa...?)
Gender: Confirmed male.
Baby size: My pregnancy app says he is the size of an heirloom tomato and weighs about 9 oz.
Weight gain: 8-9 lbs.
Aversions: Nothing
Cravings: Shrug. Unhealthy stuff, mostly.
Maternity clothes: Tomorrow. I am SOOOOO uncomfortable in pants. Just... ouch.
Symptoms: Occasional heartburn. Nighttime restlessness. Round ligament pain (I had to consult Dr. Google to make sure the brief, stabbing pains in my side were completely normal. They are. Ligaments gotta stretch. Unfortunately, the first time I felt this pain was right after going on a "forbidden ride." I spent the next several hours fretting I had done my child irreparable harm. I didn't.) There are other symptoms I will refrain from reporting here, as this is a "family friendly" blog, but I will just say that I often think of that line from Jaws where Brody says, "We're going to need a bigger boat."**



*I wisely abstained from such bumpy rides as Indiana Jones, Space Mountain, etc. I'm not completely irresponsible.
**I substitute the word "boat" with "bra."

Hello, is anyone in there?

Yes, I'm still waiting to actually look pregnant. I am told this will not be a problem in the very near future. Indeed, I may be begging to get back to this relatively symptomless, small-bellied second trimester. In the meantime, I am almost halfway done baking this little boy and what've I got to show for it? Not a whole lot.

Stats:

Gestation: 16 weeks
Weight gain: 3-4 lbs.
Aversions: Nothing, really. Anything with unpredictable texture.
Cravings: Macaroni and cheese. Sugary things.
Maternity clothes: Soon... I may not be showing, per se, but i'm definitely thicker. When I try to point this out to people they just laugh at me. *frowny face*
Symptoms: Intermittent, gnawing hunger. Fatigue. (Can go on a walk and feel fine, but usually have to take a nap afterward.)


This is the boring/nice part of pregnancy. I'll update this again when I have something interesting to report.

"Turn and face the strange. Ch-ch-changes!"

Yes, I'm pregnant. It is still strange to say it out loud. Pregnancy so far has been an intensely private, personal thing. Even between me and my husband. He probably doesn't understand that I think about it almost all day. Every day. How could I not? Every time my stretching abdominal muscles protest, or my sciatic nerve twinges, or I heave at the sight of a perfectly fine piece of pizza... it's just another reminder. I'm not complaining about these things. They are uncomfortable at times... but context is everything.

All of this is for Life.

Last week I went in for what is called a Nuchal Translucency Screening, which is an ultrasound done between 10-13 weeks to look for signs of heart defects or genetic disorder, and I saw my baby for the second time. Once, at 8 weeks, I saw a gray smudge with a strong heartbeat. This last time, at 12 weeks, I saw something that looked distinctly more human.

And... male! The sonographer surprised me by asking if I wanted to know the gender. I hesitated because I was alone and I thought maybe T should be there... "Can you tell this early?" I asked, incredulous. "Sometimes," she said. "Yes," I said. "Yes, I want to know." I felt we were having a girl. I was so sure we were having a girl.

But there was our boy. You can't see, but I'm smiling as I type this.

I felt melancholy a little while later as I thought about the girl I was sure was there. I felt the idea of her slip away, and it was oddly sad. But as I thought about the boy, as I let the consciousness of a HIM sink in, I began to want him as much as I had wanted her.

Now for the vital stats:

Gestation: 13 weeks
Gender: Male (80% certainty)
Weight gain: maybe 1 lb. (I'm actually trying not to weigh myself too much, so I'll only update this when I am weighed at the doctor's office.)
Maternity clothes: No, but I can wear all of my pants without a belt now.
Food aversions: Chicken. Meat in general. (It's a texture thing.) Peanut butter crackers. Sometimes cheese.
"Cravings": Peaches, yogurt. Pasta, ramen noodles. Sushi (always)
Milestones: Beginning of 2nd trimester. Chance of miscarriage drops dramatically.
Symptoms: Lots of gagging. Lots and lots of gagging. Occasional, mild back pain. And intense hunger. It sneaks up on me and then I feel gross. I have to catch it at the right time or it is hard to eat.

Resolution 2.014

Gain at least 28 pounds. And then lose most of it by mid-summer.

Others

One week ago a tall, slender, middle-aged woman in a nice dress approached my desk at the library. Her hair was a dull, doll's hair brunette. She wore heavy makeup on a long, strong-jawed face. She spoke to me in a quiet falsetto. Can you show me where the self-help books are? There was vulnerability all over her.

I knew immediately. I knew that she... had once been a he. As we walked in silence, past Fiction, past Graphic Novels, past A to B, to BF, to Chicken Soup for the Soul, to Joel Osteen, to Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, it didn't matter. It--the undefinable It--was not the only thing that made her her.

Sometimes my prejudices are surprised out of me. I am not comfortable with them. I don't even like admitting that I have them.

But I do. And I like it when I meet Others, and my prejudices--unacknowledged or otherwise--are blown out, gently, like a candle.

And I am filled with understanding.