Nobody blogs anymore, and nobody reads blogs anymore, so I suppose here is as good a place as any to empty the contents of my bruised heart.
About six weeks ago, I discovered that my life-long religion was probably a fraud. If you're also a member of that religion, you'll probably stop reading here.
Please don't.
I don't care what you believe. I don't care that we don't believe the same way anymore. I still need you. And maybe you need me, too.
It was easy to let go of some beliefs. Some of them had been tenuous, at best, for quite a long time. But I have clung fervently to the adage "by their fruits ye shall know them," and the church I belonged to, at least at the congregational level, was a good thing! A community of people serving each other. It was--is--beautiful in so many ways. My loss of faith is a death, and I am grieving in a way I've never grieved before.
But I can't... can't... follow it anymore.
My whole world is falling apart. Please don't leave me now. I don't need chastisement or admonition. I don't need calls to repentance.
I don't want to sin. I don't want to go laugh in that great and spacious building.
I can't go back, but I'm too scared to move forward because I'm afraid you will leave me. Whoever you are that may read this. I still want to be your friend. I need you to hold my hand as I walk through the dark.
I wish I could post this somewhere someone would read it, but I'm paralyzed by fear.
Maybe someday when I know where I'm going.
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1 comment:
At least one person still reads blogs, though the dearth of posts by former bloggers has decreased the frequency with which I check blogs.
I don't pretend to know what you're going through, but I can at least say that it breaks my heart to learn that you have been (are still, probably) going through a difficult time.
I don't know that you and I have ever been particularly close as friends, though I have always and will always treasure the fact that you and your group of friends adopted me in high school when I lost my former group of friends. If for no other reason than that (and there are certainly other reasons), I will not abandon you as a friend.
If you want to talk, if you need to reflect, please contact me.
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