Why can’t members of the church learn to talk about sex in healthy, open ways? I really want to know. Why do we grow up listening to a million youth firesides about how necking and petting and masturbation (yes, I just wrote that) are wrong, and yet nobody ever explains to youth what on earth these things are? It’s not helpful, and quite honestly our NOT talking openly about what these things mean and why they are wrong only imbues them with a sense of fascination—or grossness. Why do I get the sense that so many members of the church go around pretending like they’re asexual beings, like they have no sex drive, and that part of keeping the law of chastity is to never even feel tempted? That’s ridiculous. Why, in all of our discourse about chastity, is there this hint that if you ever ARE tempted you must have done something wrong?
If this blog post has made you uncomfortable in any way, then I have made my point.
It’s just that I’m convinced that by wrapping up the subject of sex in this aura of mystery and taboo-ness we’re raising—and perhaps have already raised—a generation of youth who, unable to get their answers from healthy sources, are turning elsewhere to get their information. Is it any wonder that pornography addiction is so rampant? (And I don’t care what your religion is, porn is degrading to everything that is good and sacred about sex.)
I’m not sure there is a good answer to any of these questions. I believe very strongly in my faith. But I would lying if I said I was okay with a lot of the culture many Mormons build up around the simple, beautiful truths of the gospel.
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11 comments:
You know Pear, I never actually thought of this, but I think you're right. Well said. I didn't feel uncomfortable in the least, by the way.
Hey Pear, was there a specific incident that inspired you to express these thoughts? That would help me understand better where you're coming from, because I grew up in the same ward, in the same household, and I think I got a great foundation for understanding sexuality and talking about it.
As a youth leader of the last seven years, I have appreciated not just the teachings of the gospel about sexuality but the frank openness and clarity on the subject that is taught through publications like For the Strength of Youth. It very clearly defines what counts as a sexual transgression, that opposition is a part of life and temptations will abound, and that in the face of temptation we can exercise faith to choose to follow the commandments. True, it's not the same pamphlet I had growing up--it's a lot better.
That's not to say that youth leaders and their attempts to talk with kids and teens are perfect. I think we need to remember Book of Mormon prophet Jacob's example when he spoke to his people and did not want to hurt their tender feelings. Sometimes the way we talk with really-still-innocent kids and youth can make them feel a sense of scolding and shame that they shouldn't feel--that keeps them from being brave enough to talk openly. That said, it's actually remarkable that there is a program in place to communicate about the subject at all. Many of my coworkers who were not otherwise familiar with the church often expressed admiration that the church had a program for teaching youth the big picture about who they were and guidelines for how to relate to others, including in specific emotional and physical aspects of our relationships. They would confide in me that they didn't know how to talk with their kids about "all that stuff" and if they did, they're not sure what they would say. So they didn't really talk about it and instead let their kids sort it out on their own.
Maybe it's more about the culture of your home. We've enjoyed--been blessed with-- very open discourse in our home. I think the doctrines of the church preach the need for that kind of open communication in our homes--I acutally just finished giving a lesson on that.
Curtis's parents didn't talk a lot about physical intimacy--despite the ever-growing number of children in the home--but they taught the gospel well. Then as his older siblings grew up and dated and married, their words and actions helped younger siblings to better understand sexuality and intimacy. Maybe that's an important role older siblings play, bridging some of the generation/communication gap.
I am so glad I have older siblings and sisters-in-law! who helped our family talk about things.
So Curt and I came from family cultures quite different in their approaches towards teaching about sexuality and intimacy, but when we got together everything fell into place quite naturally--he didn't mind me bringing things up and he was open in turn. I attribute that to being close to the Holy Ghost. We weren't/aren't perfect, but because of the teachings of the church we had both made personal choices to repent of and forsake or just plain stay away from certain thoughts and behaviors that would have led to unhappiness.
I would say that popular media plays a big role in teaching/confusing us about sex. When you pay more attention to the teachings of the Holy Ghost than to the latest hit sitcom or romantic comedy, you can have a clear understanding, and you should be all right.
My daughter is only just four, but we've had plenty of opportunities to talk about sexuality already. Those conversations have been sweet and natural and sometimes funny, and good. I hope we can keep them that way as she grows.
Your future family and associates will be blessed by your approach to discussing sexuality, Pear. It's a gift to be able to perceive and articulate ideas in an honest and compassionate way. And you're blessing people now by bringing up the topic.
Amen Pear! Being a victim of this problem of undereducation and poor communication of the topic I think we need to do better!
Mand,
Nothing in particular really prompted these thoughts--just conversation that I've been having with Biddy and some others. Like you, I feel like I grew up with a great foundation for understanding sexuality and talking about it. And yes, I should have mentioned that the official publications of the church on these topics are thorough. However, they are not enough by themselves. This maybe wasn't the case in our family, but I feel like in a lot of cases, families aren't supplementing these church publications with a healthy, ongoing dialog in the home.
I know it isn't the Church itself that has made sex sort of a taboo topic; but i do see it as prevalent attitude among many of the members, at least around here--and perhaps especially at BYU.
I appreciate your thoughts, Mand.
In response to Pear's response to Amanda (you got that?) The church has stated on several occasions the importance of raising your own children and specifically that is it not the church's responsibility to do so. They provide excellent resources and guides, but it is ultimately up to the parents to raise their kids. I think that sexuality is so much more talked about these days than it ever was in any of our parents day and certainly not before then. Not only is it more prevalent, but it has been unrealistically portrayed just about everywhere. Let's face it, it is a blatant marketing tactic. That leaves a lot of our parents at a loss of how to bring it up in healthy ways due to the fact that they don't have a model for this situation. They didn't face the exposure in either quantity or type. So they are a little uncomfortable with it themselves. As you said, that leaves a lot of people unsure where to turn for information, and unfortunately many turn to unhealthy sources. I am glad to know that there are people out there striving to be better about this. I am glad to know that there are people who are providing healthy, helpful information. I think that sexuality in our culture is only becoming more common and the longer it does so the more pronounced the line between healthy exposure and unhealthy exposure is going to be. And the more we will have to be cautious about exposure at all in order to avoid unhealthy exposure.
All that having been said, I've had many noble thoughts about informing my kids about sex and now that I'm expecting my first....I'm terrified! Also, so much more impressed with my parents for what they did do even when I may have thought they could have done more or better. I suppose we are all lacking and the most important thing is to let the spirit guide and to teach our kids to be attentive to the spirit so that what we lack will be made up for.
That was much longer than I intended.
What a healthy discussion this has become.
I second the notion that Church publications are thorough and that teaching needs to happen in the home. I also particularly agree wiht Katie's statement that parents are not adequately equipped/comfortable in our fast paced/sexed culture to approach the subject comfortably at home.
There are two very key factors in any discussion about sexuality: the Spirit (as stated by Mand) and trust. The second, trust, is why so much of the 'taboo' culture as arisen. It is not the place of any Church member in a group setting to assume that they have enough of a personal relationship with each person to know how best to describe things. So they leave it at the bear minimum, which is appropriate. Teens should not be learning from Church, or school for that matter, and definately not the media the definition of sexual behaviors. That is the duty of a trusted individual, who you would hope was the parent, but in the situation where it is not, someone who knows the kid well enough to understand how detailed their descriptions need to be to be helpful. As a youth leader in church and a youth development specialist in the community, I always appreciated the opportunities I had to talk frankly with young people since I had not had such a confidant growing up.
My last note: yes, there needs to be further education, and it needs to happen much, much earlier. As Mand mentioned, kids catch on really early. Kids are getting exposure too soon, but it is happening, so the education needs to happen beforehand. When? You cannot wait until YW/YM (age 12) for the chastity talks. The national average for a child's first sexual encounter is 11! which means they new a lot more before then. Just recently in our elementary school they had to have a little talk with all the 3rd and 4th graders because a boyfriend/girlfriend couple on the playground had been doing 'adult stuff.'
i completely agree, pear! i felt so ignorant growing up . . . sheesh! better to teach your children than subject then to the 'word on the street' education i found in jr high.
i would say i grew up in a home that was neutral about sexuality, but for me, not necessarily an environment that really encouraged frank discussion. i've always acknowledged that mom was and is open to any of these conversations, but i personally needed someone to bring it up, to initiate the discussions. she and reserved as i was about it (but no longer), i figured out a lot of things for myself, and not always from the best sources.
as we've all grown up, there has been greater opennesss, which seems appropriate.
one thing i feel is not discussed in very practical, specific enough terms is how adult men and women who remain abstinent deal healthily with their sex drives. i absolutely believe that living close to the spirit can bring peace and balance in all areas of life. absolutely. however, sometimes i wish these issues were discussed more explicitly, with professional expertise, even (as has been done with pornography).
having said that, there is so much more dialog today on these topics than there ever has been. as always things are changing, and often for the better.
this is a ramble. i'm not even going back and reading this.
just pressing "publish your commen....."
here is a related post from heidi on sex-ed.....
http://pintosbeans.wordpress.com/2009/03/16/sex-ed-mercy-vs-justice/
Another good source for an overview on this topic is the entry on "Sexuality" in the Encyclopedia of Mormonism
I read Heidi's post and thought this quote from the encyclopedia entry applies:
"Parents have the obligation to teach their children both the goodness-the sacredness-of the power to create life (see procreation) and the principles of maturation and sexual development. Church leaders encourage parents to discuss sexuality openly with their children, answering their questions straightforwardly and contrasting the Lord's plan for his children-which includes their eventual ability to produce children themselves-with the ways this power to create life can be profaned or abused. Children are to be prepared while young and, according to appropriate stages of development, are to be taught regarding human reproduction and the emotional and spiritual meanings of the procreative power and sexual desires that will grow within them.... Parents are expected to teach correct principles and to be examples of what they teach, treating each other with compassion and charity and living in a relationship of absolute fidelity.
Fundamental to all parental instruction is a parent-child relationship of love and trust. Youth are vulnerable to sexual enticements both because of the strength of their developing desires and because they are still growing in understanding and responsibility. Full comprehension of the consequences-to themselves and to succeeding generations-of the failure to abstain sexually may not come simultaneously with their sexual interests. Trust and respect for parents can help insulate adolescents from temptation while their capacity to exercise full rights and responsibilities matures.
Parents' responsibility to educate children sensitively and directly should not be delegated to the public schools or other agencies outside the home. When public sex-education programs are offered, LDS parents are counseled to assure that such programs adequately acknowledge the sanctity of marriage and promote family-oriented values and standards.... "
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One thing I take away from this that it's not so much a question of teaching a specific program in schools as that what is taught is taught in such a way that encourages further communication in the family and about the family.
I know I'm coming to this discussion late. But Comprehensive Sex-Ed is a public health measure. In randomized control studies it has been shown to do two things: lower teen pregnancy rates and lower sexually transmitted infections. That's it. It doesn't make moral pronouncements; it just teaches facts. It doesn't increase sexual activity. You can still do lots of teaching at home, but unless you are willing to show your child how to correctly put a condom on a banana, your teaching will not neccessarily be what is needed in decreasing the incidence of these two issues. Unless you can somehow guarantee that none of your children will have sex outside of marriage, pregnancy and sexually transmitted diseases are an issue. Now, I would feel perfectly fine counseling about birth control methods in depth with my kids as I do it everyday in my profession, but I'm sure many of you would not feel comfortable doing this, nor would many have the knowledge to advise on these things). That is why it should be school curriculum. It is important to teach religious principles, but facts about sex still need to be taught and in a comprehensive, correct and thoughtful manner, by someone who has all the information, with emphasis on what constitutes a healthy sexual relationship. And by the way, I don't think that asking a kid "Do you know about sex?" and them nodding just to get out of a discussion when they are 16 yrs old constitutes an effective method (that was Matt's experience in the family).
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