1. I have a lot of growing up to do
2. I don't know nearly as much as I need to know to be good at what I'm doing
3. I hate feeling vulnerable. I feel vulnerable right now. I'm not a very good problem solver. What's more, I'm not above average smart. I just have a big vocabulary. it's not the same thing.
4. I don't know whether the ball is in my court or not. i'm apathetic. I'm tempted to just pretend the ball doesn't exist...
5. Writing is really hard for me. It doesn't come as naturally to me as I say it does. I do a lot of editing. I sometimes wonder if I'll actually be able to compose a good novel someday. Right now, I feel mildly pessimistic.
6. My fear of mediocrity cripples my creativity. Perfectionism is my bane.
7. I'm insecure about my looks. (Who isn't?! Don't respond to this.) I try not to think about them. They are a fair-weathered friend.
Sometimes I just have to get these stupid little insecurities out of my system so I can stop thinking about myself and move on. I don't want my insecurities to be used as an excuse to be self-absorbed. I don't want that.
Okay. Back to confidence.
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4 comments:
Pear . . . I love you. Vulnerability is what creates great works of art--it is where art exist--in our submission of our selves to something greater inside us. Writing seems hard because it is hard to write about something that isn't made of words--it's images and feelings. You'll find a way to put that down as all great novelist do. It's just the beginning that's tough going and then it's amazing to watch your characters play out their lives (though of course, you'll hate the process at times) so don't give up.
Smart people. really super smart ones, are boring because they think too highly of themselves and can't see the precious small things floating around them. Whereas a super smart person who doesn't know they're super smart (you for example) move through life a bit more tentatively, taking time, pausing because of their slight insecurities to see the bounty of wonders surrounding them. It's really much better to be exactly as you are. Slightly insecure.
I find security is fastly overrated. It makes you rude to people you should be kind to and kind to people you should probably be rude to.
So in all, I find you a perfect person, exactly as you should be.
(this is, as you know, Mary, sadly and not JOhn--though he would agree and write it even better than me, with everything I wrote!)
I feel your pain- especially about perfectionism being your bane...
Well Pear, if I was able to express myself as beatifully as you, I might even consider it poetry. Perhaps, if you get bore with the novel, you could do short stories, or even a really long (although not epic) poem (that way you don't have to edit the sentences and the puncuation, it is just free verse).
isn't it nice to write those things?! well done, pear! i think highly of you in many respects.
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