Sometimes I think about how little anybody actually knows me. It is no exaggeration to say that I can probably count on one hand the people that have seen every side of me. The people who have seen me ecstatic, or depressed, or intelligent, or wrathful, or ridiculous, or rude, or confident, or elegant, or insensitive--even cruel--and even the rare moments when I feel truly lovely. The people who knew me as a dancer and an artist--even a missionary--that know how much I love old and new films alike, and calm music (AND loud music) and dumb jokes, and interesting, off-the-beaten-path kind of things. The people who accept my whimsy without question, and question my so-called "intelligence" without hesitation. The people who put up with my caprice, my impatience, and my tendency towards impulsiveness--and forgive my impertinences. The people I don’t have to prove anything to or pretend around, even a little bit. The people who know that there are better things in store for me, and who have the right to expect more of me.
Yes, I can count on one hand--maybe one finger--how many people that makes.
As much as I preach the gospel of sincerity, it is hard, hard, HARD to be 100% genuine. I’m afraid it takes an awful lot of self-assurance. I wish, I wish, I had the guts to say to anyone and everyone, “I like what I like, and to hell with the rest.” But I wish I could do it without being defensive or belligerent.
Of course, all of this is a good reminder of how little I know other people, and how very little call I have to judge them.
I wasn't going to post this because it is personal almost to the point of self-indulgence. But I did.
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4 comments:
if we were all simple and unchanging then people would probably know us as we truely are - but isn't it great that we are complex and that we do change! I'm so grateful that I get to think about who I am and who I want to be and find paths I haven't imagined in my life as well as walk the quiet ones that few know I tread.
It is a complex thing to write down personal feelings as they spill from mind to fingers typing. But thanks for sharing it anyway, Pear.
I think saying "I like what I like, and to hell with the rest." may contain more of selfishness than sincerity. To be sincere, one has to avoid hypocrisy, and dismissing "the rest" in such a way would not be giving it the same consideration you hope others would give to your likes. As you pointed out in your post, it's important to give others that same understanding.
What I like about your recent posts is that you've revealed you're still discovering new and old parts of yourself and nurturing new and old desires alike.
It is a nice feeling to have been with someone long enough that you can be in your skin and shed it at times too and know that they still are with you and for you through it all. Not very many people could ever fill that role. But as your sister who gets to be around you some, I want you to know I won't ever pin you down in my mind to one version of yourself. As a friend and sister, I'll just try to be a safe place for you to keep developing.
yes! I like this, mand! Somehow I always manage to skirt around what I actually mean to say in my posts, and what I meant to say was that I don't want to feel like I've been "pegged" by someone; like they've got me down--they know exactly what I am. Because that doesn't leave room for me to grow. Well done! You've said it.
And the second half is, of course, that I need to be careful not to do that to anyone else. Think I've got them pegged, that is. If I deserve the benefit of the doubt, so does everyone else.
Thanks for fleshing out my post. And yes, consigning "the rest" to hell is rather more selfishness and snobbery than sincerity, you're right. But I was thinking more in terms of not being self-conscious. I should have thought of a better way to express that, but I didn't do a lot of editing on this one. ;)
go ahead, indulge! i'd like to think i know that we are alike enough to experience the gamete of emotions. but thank heaven you are who you are . . . someone who is changing and evolving into something wonderful.
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