Week after week, I've been sitting in church quietly reflecting about my week and feeling out all the little pockets of bad feeling still left in the pit of my stomach. And usually the things I feel the worst about--or the things I feel anything about still--are the times when I let my flash response of anger get the better of me. I was sitting in church just over a week ago thinking about this very thing. I let myself think about something unjust that had happened to me months ago--months-- and I felt myself getting angrier and angrier about a situation that was long past.
And then I thought, "I'm better than this. And what's more, I have control over who I am and what I do." I made a resolution that day that I was going to control my outward response to things. I may not be to the point where I can control how I feel, but I can control what I do about it, and that in turn will help my feelings change. My goal was to take things a week at a time.
I should know by now that whenever I make a goal to self-improve, temptations, trials--whatever you want to call them--inevitably pop out of the woodwork. Last week was one of the most upsetting weeks for me at work, to date. Without going into specifics, I'll just say that something I said was misconstrued and there were repercussions. No, I did not get in "trouble" per se. But it was one of those times where I felt like I should have known better than to do something--in fact, deep down I did know better--and yet I did it anyway. I'm not used to feeling like an idiot, so when I feel like one, it's extremely upsetting. I have always been outspoken and impulsive, a bad combination. And a tendency toward hypersensitivity doesn't help either.
Even now. Even now, I want to stand on the rooftops and defend myself! Explain myself! And to my sister (who is my coworker) and my husband, I did plenty. But my small triumph this week was that, at work, I was able to respond to the situation in what I thought was a mature way. I wasn't perfect. I don't believe I was totally able to mask my upsetness, but I tried. I may not have swallowed everything, but I swallowed a lot.
It's a start.
Now, I have to learn to forgive my own and others imperfections. Life really isn't fair, and those who live it expecting it to be are in for a lot of frustration.
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5 comments:
Pear, This is such a hard thing to work on. Good for you for giving it your best. It does get easier (take it from one who knows...)
Keep it up, Pear! I know I have plenty of *ahem* lesser traits that I think I will always struggle to control, but battling is half the win. :D
Oh the frustration of knowing a better self but never feeling as though you meet that better self face to face, just brushing up against them. The 'becoming' part is the worst and the best of mortality.
Pear, this obviously doesn't happen to you very often (showing what a lovely, lovely person you are) and probably won't. For this, I love and adore you.
Dearest Erin,
This is in response to your many blogs.
I AM listening. Just loving listening. Not very characteristic of me to not be commenting. But still, I am still, and listening, and responding, and loving you.
Love,
Mom
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