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The inevitable parallels between dog-ownership and parenthood have been drawn by just about everyone I've talked to. I have never been more afraid of parenthood than I am now. I am afraid of my own emotional fragility, my difficulty controlling my temper, and my debilitating fear of embarrassment and judgment from others. I can calmly steer my dog away from a situation that is making him frenzied, but I am dying a little bit inside every time. What about when my child is throwing a tantrum at the grocery store checkout? This is inevitable. How can I deal with this if I can't cope with a 23 lb. dog? What about when my child hits or bites another child? What about when my child is rude to another child, or another grown up? How can I guide this child if I feel so much anger and embarrassment?
The answer, obviously, is that you can neither guide a child nor a dog with anger and embarrassment.
My hero, Cesar Millan, talks about fulfilling a dog on his own terms. Respecting that he is first and foremost an animal--not a little human--and to treat him like one. This is not an insult to him. I heard this, but I did not truly understand it until recently. Humans and dogs have been companions for so long, I think we sometimes forget that they are separate species, and they are hard-wired very differently. Those of us who choose to accept responsibility for these animals cannot expect them to navigate their way flawlessly through our human world. We need to help them make different choices when the choices they make don't work. There is not room for anger here.
It isn't about punishment; it's about redirection. And it's totally about love. It's about love for this animal that, for whatever reason, has thrown its evolutionary lot in with Man. We can't betray that trust by punishing a dog for being himself.
This whole week I have been focusing on what I love about him, and I have felt my patience with him grow two-hundred fold:
I love that when he is alert one ear sticks straight up and the other kind of flops. I love the way the silver in his fur makes him look shiny. I love his softness, his warmth. Schnauzer eyes can look a little intimidating from far away. I love how bright and earnest they are up close. I love that he is big and robust for his type, and that we can take him on long walks and hikes. I love that said walks and hikes wear him totally out. :) I love it when he puts his nose to the ground and "hoovers" all around the carpet. I love the way he gently licks my hand when he wants affection (i.e. all the time.)
I love that his whole body wags with pure, effervescent joy whenever I come home. There is nothing quite like the love of a dog.
I love that when he is alert one ear sticks straight up and the other kind of flops. I love the way the silver in his fur makes him look shiny. I love his softness, his warmth. Schnauzer eyes can look a little intimidating from far away. I love how bright and earnest they are up close. I love that he is big and robust for his type, and that we can take him on long walks and hikes. I love that said walks and hikes wear him totally out. :) I love it when he puts his nose to the ground and "hoovers" all around the carpet. I love the way he gently licks my hand when he wants affection (i.e. all the time.)
I love that his whole body wags with pure, effervescent joy whenever I come home. There is nothing quite like the love of a dog.
5 comments:
So well expressed, Pear. And even though humans and dogs are different, I can't help but think that the things you wrote that apply to guiding a dog through our world also apply absolutely to parenting young children--redirection and focusing on the love and seeing the world from their perspective as much as we can. If and when you are raising your own baby, I hope you are happily surprised by the measure of confidence and connection you feel to that person even through all the ups and downs and in betweens.
Happy Anniversary yesterday! Hope it was a nice day for you both.
You are a wise dog owner. I have never been brave enough to guide a dog - the barks are not harmonious with my mental structure. When anyone feels the responsibility for another life it magnifies what we truly are inside and offers the perspective of charity that we don't otherwise develop.
and all their smells, messes, and embarrassments are worth it! he reminds me of jock from lady & the tramp :)
I'm sure you know this, but you aren't alone. I feel the same way about kids and I have moments with students all the time that make me feel like I am in no way ready, but it'll all work out.
I realize I'm late to the party here. I don't get on the blogs as often as I used to, but I wanted to comment because this resonates with me. I don't own a dog, but I have some little people in my care, and some days I shake and cry and wish it away. The thing is, I don't feel like that all the time. We all have highs and lows as parents. Some days you make it through the grocery store with nothing but charming comments from strangers about the cuteness before them. Some days you don't actually make it to the checkout because you gave up before you got that far. I hope your bad days with your dog don't deter you from parenthood. The fact is, sometimes it is tough and embarrassing and as difficult a thing as I have never done before, but the thing about challenges is that they help you grow. I also love their fantastic little guts, and I wouldn't trade them in if I could (at least not for keeps). I don't think I'd be as fantastic as I am without them. :D (kidding a little) But seriously, they bring out the best and the worst of us, and reflect what we are and what we can change, and really, isn't that the point of life? to grow and change for the better?
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