Travis and I took a little hiatus from working out when we first moved to Nevada. Moving in and getting settled required all of our attention. So by the time we were settled and had found a gym to go to, it had been a little while and we both needed to work our way back up to snuff.
As many of you may recall, my primary goal for working out (ironically) is to GAIN weight by gaining muscle and increasing appetite. Let me report on that. Net weight gain=0. Net weight loss=0 (so that, at least, is good.) Net appetite increase=0. I went to the doctor this week and when I mentioned I'm having a difficult time getting up to a healthy weight, they decided to test me for hyperthyroidism. Again. I was tested last year and it was negative. Now, don't get me wrong. It's good to have a healthy thyroid. I don't take that for granted. I know too many people who don't. But... sometimes, I just wish there was some medical diagnosis once and for all for what I'm going through. It doesn't seem right that I don't change anything about my lifestyle, and suddenly (well, not suddenly, but steadily) I drop over ten pounds. Ten pounds, I might add, that I do NOT have to spare. And when I DO change my lifestyle it only slows the weight loss instead of reversing it. ??? I can't just "eat more." It doesn't work that way. I physically cannot.
Occasionally, I think about all of these things and it depresses me for a day or two. I feel helpless and scared and out of control of my body. It isn't a chronic depression, by any means. I don't curl up in a ball and cry. But it is awfully hard to get out of bed, and I feel like I'm moving through jelly all day long. (Of course, part of that moving-through-jelly feeling may be a result of soreness from the previous day's workout.)
But then, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don't see the reflection of someone who is starving to death. My cheekbones aren't poking through my face (although, I found some pictures of me from eight years ago, and my! what chubby cheeks I had!); my collarbone doesn't look like it's going to tear out through my skin; my thighs touch when I'm seated. I actually have pretty impressive musculature now in my back and arms. I look...actually...really good! And I mostly feel good, if I'm eating healthily--and i DONT step on the damn scale!
So maybe that's what I need to do: NOT step on the scale, NOT measure my overall health by an instrument that only tells me one thing about myself.
I AM MORE THAN WHAT I WEIGH.
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4 comments:
So I'm nerdily obsessed with Stephanie Nielson, who has the MormonAd about her plane crash in 2008. One of my favorite phrases from her ad is 'I am not my body'.
I have been on a rollercoaster ride of weight gain and loss my whole life, and recognizing, that win, lose or draw, who I am has nothing to do with my body has helped me immensely. I know how hard that can be, so I feel for you Erin. Good luck and either way, you rock!
keep working out - it is sexy to be muscley! and it is healthy. Besides, I gain 10lbs just by going from one scale to the next. If you are still tired - that is something to look at - but the weight differential is meaningless. How many cookies you can eat in one sitting- that does mean something.
All else fails - back to arroz e fiejao!
I totally agree with the decision to ditch the scale. And the fact that you are eating and exercising regularly--of course that is good for you, and I think you can go forward with confidence as you have expressed.
And maybe, for fun, you can vary the exercise you do. I would see if there is a dance class or dance workout class you can do. I just heard about a study that people who worked out in creative ways like with a tango class reported greater ability to deal with stress and overall increase in health from exercise than those who just worked out or meditated. Although those who meditated also reported an increase in overall health and ability to deal with stress.
Oh, yes, those chubby cheeks we have in our early twenties. We do change through the years.
Anyway, I can see many reasons why you would be concerned off and on, but the things you are doing sound great. I admire you!
ditto to everything. the best gauge for your health is how you feel. if you can sleep, are eating good food, have energy, then great. i'm the same. i ditched a bunch of pounds, but have held steady most of this year. just working on upper body strength (in theory, not quite in practice!). also, appetite may not actually increase with exercise in the way you'd expect. i just read some recent research about this in Y news: http://news.byu.edu/archive12-sep-foodmotivation.aspx
i will also put in a HUGE plug for meditation. love you, bum.
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