Getting Lost

It is 11:19. i've decided I should stop wasting time watching stupid things on YouTube, like "the funniest cat video you've ever seen!" (which is pretty darn funny) and start doing something more useful, like...blogging. Crap, i forgot what I was going to write about. Ho hum. Well...i'll just write about stuff. Pressure from school has let off a little bit. In the meantime I've contracted a disease that is disturbing my sleep and making my throat rather itchy. In the meantime, I have still not gone on a date. In the meantime, I've decided not to think about it anymore because it's something I can't do anything about except just be a kind, good person--which I'm trying to be. I'm trying not to worry that something is wrong with me. My new resolution to combat these feelings of inadequacy consists of this: i've stopped thinking about how I am going to be served in any given situation, and started thinking about how I can serve. It seems sort of counterintuitive from the world's perspective, but it makes all the sense in the world from a gospel point of view. Christ said for us to lose ourselves in the service of others and how that is the key to finding joy. It's pretty hard to worry about how ridiculous you feel when you're not thinking about yourself at all. In fact, it's the best and healthiest kind of escape, i've decided.

I've already tried taking refuge in lots of things: movies, books, music... You know what i've found in these escapes? I've found myself envying the lives of people who don't even exist; i've found myself locked away from the real world while I live vicariously through the figments of other people's imaginations; and I have a whole stack of cd's that I cannot even bear to listen to anymore. Some escape....

No, I've found a better way to escape. i'm trying to be a better listener. I'm trying not to lose my temper. i'm trying to be more patient with other's quirks and foibles. I'm trying to be more generous with my time and my resources. i'm trying--sometimes i fail--but at least i'm trying, and in the meantime I'm escaping a rather huge insecurity of mine. It's always lurking like a shadow in the back of my mind, trying to sneak up on me during an idle moment. It's always waiting for just the right time to let me know how much of a failure i am... But then, i just push that thought aside and keep doing my thing, and I forget about it. i'm hoping that if I ignore it enough, it will go away altogether, eventually.

So why am i writing about this? So I can remember and not have to keep relearning this. so it will be ingrained in my soul and i can stop feeling sorry for myself. today, i was sitting in my little cubicle-room on the fourth floor in the library, working on the interviews I'm transcribing, and the shadow in the back of my brain loomed over me again and started picking at me. Dani hadn't come yet, and I was alone. It's easy to feel sorry for oneself when one is alone. After a moment, I recognized what i was feeling and began thinking aloud in Portuguese. I started talking about what I was feeling, why i thought i was feeling it, and what i was going to do stop feeling it. And then the magic happened; it went away. i'd deconstructed the shadowy feeling, and it went away.

I guess I prayed so much in Portuguese for a year and a half that somehow I feel like it's more potent for me.

yeah, this was better than Facebook.